Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says …

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon.”

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … every imaginable kind of cured pork.

“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”

“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”

“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath…

“Pepe… go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”

“Luis, Luis mi amigo… what ees it? ”

“Pepe… ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush …”

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, “Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?”

The wise old Rabbi answers, “Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.”

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, It’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” Or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s’ parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day … and then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ….

“OK, I give up. Where’s the fuckin’ ship?”

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid far more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come out and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days … all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor’s cows in the next field.

He’s like a machine! I have no idea what is in the pills the Vet gave him … but they kind of taste like peppermint.