The Matchmaker

Bella the matchmaker goes to see Abe, a bachelor for many years.

“Abe, you mustn’t wait so long. I have exactly the wife you need. Just say the word and you two will meet and be married in no time at all.”

“Don’t bother”, replies Abe, “I’ve got 2 sisters at home who look after all my needs.”

“That’s all well and good” says Bella, “but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the roll of a wife!”

Abe answers, “I said ‘2 sisters.’ I didn’t say they were my sisters.”

Ah … a religious joke one can share

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”

I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”

The Hindu sadhu came and said “Beta, you will walk on your legs today.”

I said “Babaji – nothing wrong with my legs”

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”

I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

I believe in all religions now …

The Millionaire

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.

He steps up on the armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.

One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director: “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”

The Director asks in turn, arrogantly: “Why are you so interested in that topic?”

“I have a million dollars in your bank,” the shoeshine says, “and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”

“What’s your name?” asks the Director.

“Fred Smith.”

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Service Department, “Do we have a client named Fred Smith?”

“Certainly,” answers the Customer Service Manager. “He is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.”

The Director leaves the bank and approaches the shoeshine.

“Mr. Smith, I’m asking you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.”

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members.

“We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine so brightly in the corner. But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.”

Mr. Smith began his story: “Well, I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

“Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.”