A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, ‘You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.’
Thief: ‘You must really love your wife!’
Man: ‘Not particularly, but she will be home shortly.’
Jan, Sue and Mary haven’t seen each other since high school. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey Chanel.
After the required ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Palm Beach, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses’ aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Business had been terrible and was not picking up.
I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because both were super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover, after partying all night she went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
I approached her and said. “Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”
“Could you jack off for now?” She replied. “I feel like shit. If you can wait, I’ll do you at lunchtime.”
I had to let Jack go.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long”.
Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there”.
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, “William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading is groceries and the boy into the car.
She says, “It’s none of my business but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather.”
“Thanks,” says the grandfather, “but I am William, this little bastard’s name is Kevin.”
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds?