As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.
I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.
It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.
I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Me, sobbing: “I can’t see you anymore . . . . I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
My trainer: “It was one sit-up.”
As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me?
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married an English girl. He told her she was to do the dishes and the entire house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes all washed and put away.
The second man married an American girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the laundry and the washing. It took a while, but on the third day he came home to a well-kept home.
The third man married an Aussie girl. He ordered her to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry done, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He didn’t see anything on the first day, he didn’t see anything on the second day either, but on the third day some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see out of his left eye, his arm had healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dish washer, but he still has some difficulty when he urinates.
1. “He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
2. “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
3. “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
4. “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
5. “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” – Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
6. “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
7. “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
8. “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
9. “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
10. “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response
11. “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
12. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
13. “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
14. “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
15. “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
16. “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
17. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
18. “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
19. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
20. “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
21. “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
22. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
23. The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
24. “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln
25. “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” – Jack E. Leonard
26. “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed
27. “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” – James Reston (about Richard Nixon)