An Alabama preacher said to his flock, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. “This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.”
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke: “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
- The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
- The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
- The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
- USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times.
- The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.
- The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
- The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
- The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
- The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.
- The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
- The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
- The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
- The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
A young man named Penis Van Lesbian walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. “You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor,” said the agent. “Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of?”
“No sir” said the handsome young man.
“I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours,” said the agent. “That’s not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I’d love to represent you, but you’ll have to change your name.”
“Sir,” the very handsome actor protested, “My family has carried this name for generations and I will NOT change it for Hollywood or for any other reason.”
“If you won’t change your name, then I cannot represent you, young man,” said the agent.
“Then I bid you a fond farewell — my name will NOT change. “With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agent’s office, never to return.
Five years later, the agent received a letter. When he opened it, a check fell out. He looked at the check. It was for $50,000! He read the letter:
Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and I left your office. I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and change my name. Now, I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions, worldwide. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me such fame and fortune.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Dick Van Dyke