STOP

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading …

Lemon Squeeze

A religious young woman went to confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’

The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’

The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’

The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’

The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’

The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

Genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours, I will give you $5,000.”

The idiot says, “Okay.”

The genius then asks, “How many continents are there in the world?”

The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the $5.

The idiot says, “Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?”

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000.

The genius says, “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?”

The idiot hands over $5.