Lexophile

“Lexophile” describes those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “To write with a broken pencil is pointless.” An annual competition is held by the New York Times see who can create the best original lexophile. This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore

I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

Want to know about *BITCOIN* ?

A lot of monkeys lived near a village.

One day a merchant came to the village to buy these monkeys.

He announced that he will buy the monkeys at $100 each.

The villagers thought that this man is mad.

They thought how can somebody buy stray monkeys at $100 each?

Still, some people caught some monkeys and gave it to this merchant and he gave $100 for each monkey.

This news spread like wildfire and people caught monkeys and sold it to the merchant.

After a few days, the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys at $200 each.

The lazy villagers also ran around to catch the remaining monkeys!

They sold the remaining monkeys at $200 each.

Then the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys at $500 each.

The villagers start to lose sleep … they caught six or seven monkeys, which was all that was left and got $500 each.

The villagers were waiting anxiously for the next announcement.

Then the merchant announced that he is going home for a week. And when he returns, he will buy monkeys at $1000 each.

He asked his employee to take care of the monkeys he bought. He was alone taking care of all the monkeys in a cage.

The merchant went home.

The villagers were very sad as there were no more monkeys left for them to sell it at $1000 each.

Then the employee told them that he will sell some monkeys at $700 each secretly.

This news spread like fire. Since the merchant buys monkey at $1000 each, there is a $300 profit for each monkey.

The next day, villagers made a queue near the monkey cage.

The employee sold all the monkeys at $700 each. The rich bought monkeys in big lots. The poor borrowed money from money lenders and also bought monkeys.

The villagers took care of their monkeys and waited for the merchant to return.

But nobody came. Then they ran to the employee. But he had already left too.

The villagers then realized that they have bought the useless stray monkeys at $700 each and are unable to sell them.

The Bitcoin will be the next monkey business.

It will make a lot of people bankrupt and a few people filthy rich in this monkey business.

That’s how it will work.