John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself that’s the last thing I need.
Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason..details are sketchy.
People are making end of the world jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
Whatever you do, always give 100% unless you’re donating blood
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic.
What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.
A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I’m slowly getting over it.
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
I’ve finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I’m dealing with the emotional baggage.
If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: “Don’t move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you.”
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called “Mind Changing Concept.” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!”
This is called “Being Professional.” Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): “Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”
The older robber rebutted and said: “You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!”
This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”
This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”
This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!
So who are the real robbers here?
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. He was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn’t say he had no children, because as an officer of the court he couldn’t lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie).
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their 12 kids.
He took the remaining kid with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes, and the price was right.
The agent asked: “How many children do you have?”
He answered: “Twelve.”
The agent asked, “Where are the others?”
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”
MORAL : It’s not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words, and don’t forget, most politicians are lawyers.