As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.

It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.

I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me, sobbing: “I can’t see you anymore . . . . I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”

My trainer: “It was one sit-up.”

As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.

I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me?

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married an English girl. He told her she was to do the dishes and the entire house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes all washed and put away.

The second man married an American girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the laundry and the washing. It took a while, but on the third day he came home to a well-kept home.

The third man married an Aussie girl. He ordered her to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry done, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He didn’t see anything on the first day, he didn’t see anything on the second day either, but on the third day some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see out of his left eye, his arm had healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dish washer, but he still has some difficulty when he urinates.