Two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

“Pincus,” Yacov said, “the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made us were not black. They were sort of dark gray maybe, but not black.

We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the darkest black cloth there is.” Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said, “See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for nuns. In all the world,” Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, “there is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nun’s habits from … And it is from this cloth that I’ll make your new suits!”

A few weeks later the two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, on a whim, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on. “What did that man want?” one nun asked the other.

“I don’t know,” she replied, “he looked at my garment, said something in Latin, and left.”

“In Latin?” asked the first nun. “What did he say?”

He said, “Marcus, Pincus fuctus.”

Four guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom, while the other three talked about their kids.

The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He’s so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas.

The second guy said, “Damn, that’s terrific! My son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift!”

The third man said, “Well that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!

The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for. One of the three guys said, “We’re talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons… “What about your son?” they asked the 4th guy.

The fourth man replied, “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said, “That’s a shame… what a disappointment.”

The fourth man replied. “Nah, I’m not ashamed he’s my son and I love him… and he hasn’t done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.”

Wife : “Where the hell have you been? You said you’d be done with golf by noon!”

Husband : “I’m so sorry Honey … but you probably don’t want to hear the reason.”

Wife : “I want the truth, and I want it NOW!”

Husband : “Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button.

On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she’s offering me money. Of course I refuse it. Then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She’s such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it, one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other.

Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I’m in her room … clothes are flying … the talking stopped … and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am.

There. You wanted the truth … you got it.”

Wife : “Bullshit. You played 36 holes, didn’t you!”

Four blokes spend weeks planning the perfect camping and fishing trip to a remote spot. Two days before they are due to leave, Dave’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he’s not going. His mates are naturally pissed off that he can’t go, but what can they do, they decide to push on.

Two days later the three fellas arrive at the remote camp site to find Dave sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, beer open and fish cooking on the fire.

Steve: “Damn man, how long you been here? How did you talk your wife into letting you go?!”

Dave: “I’ve been here since last night! Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who?’ I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed were handcuffs and ropes and she told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said: You can do whatever you want! “So here I am!”