A doctor addressing a large audience in Oxford …

“The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake”.

Business man in 1st class, to a sexy gorgeous air hostess: What is your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!

Business man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.

Business man: How close?

Hostess: Same price!

Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were all close friends since childhood. They decided they wanted to go into business together.

Schwartz says, “OK! I’ll invest $100,000.”

Cohen says, “I will go for $200,000.”

Ginsburg says, “All right, I’ll put in $1,000.”

Cohen says… “Since I’m putting in $200,000, I’ll be the President and CEO of the corporation. Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO. And Ginsburg, for your $1,000, you will be our Sexual Adviser.”

Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, “What is a Sexual Adviser?”

Cohen replies, “When we want your fucking advice, we’ll ask for it.”

A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, “Some guy out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?”

“Cardiff, sir,” the boy replied.

“Why did you leave Cardiff?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players.”

“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Cardiff.”

“You’re kidding?” replied the boy. “What position did she play?”

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick “hello Peter” at me when was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said “Hi Pete, what’s happening?” To which I replied “Fuck off Gates, I’m in a meeting”.

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:

Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.

Reporter: When do you drink water?

Hattie: I’ve never been that sick.

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After a nice dinner, the father invites the guy to his library for a drink.

“So what are your plans?,” the father asks the young man.

“I am a Torah scholar.” He says.

“A Torah scholar,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”

“I will study,” the young man says, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring?”

“I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us.”

“And children?,” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide”.

The conversation continues like this. Each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “So, how did it go, honey?”

“Good news, bad news, dear. The bad, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

http://damnbored.com/heres-why-scottish-police-has-the-greatest-sense-of-humor-19026