One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

“Yes”, he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, “Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don’t want her to share me with anyone, so THAT’S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others … MOSTLY his wife!

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

As many of you may know I don’t use Facebook so I try to make friends without using Facebook.

I walk around the streets every day telling random people how well I slept last night, what I ate, how I feel, what I am doing and what I will do.

I also listen to their conversations and tell them each time that I like it.

RESULT:
I have already 3 people following me:
2 police officers and 1 psychiatrist …

http://elitedaily.com/news/world/one-man-singlehandedly-hacks-entire-travel-industry-video/962987/

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside:
“Get your treatment for $500, if not healed get back $1,000.”

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is $500 …”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back!
That will be $500.”

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.

After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.”

Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”

The first woman went on, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”

The first woman then asked, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Mount Isa lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my Lord! What could they teach you??”

The Mount Isa lady responded, “Well as an example… instead of saying, “Who gives a Fuck?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”… or as my fellow out-laws in North Carolina say: “Bless his heart.”

http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2014/07/84-year-old-man-surprises-americas-got.html