A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After a nice dinner, the father invites the guy to his library for a drink.

“So what are your plans?,” the father asks the young man.

“I am a Torah scholar.” He says.

“A Torah scholar,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”

“I will study,” the young man says, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring?”

“I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us.”

“And children?,” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide”.

The conversation continues like this. Each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “So, how did it go, honey?”

“Good news, bad news, dear. The bad, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

http://damnbored.com/heres-why-scottish-police-has-the-greatest-sense-of-humor-19026

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.

A tipsy-looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

‘Fishing,’ the old man said simply.

‘Poor old fool,’ the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’

‘You’re the third,’ the old man answered.

http://www.break.com/video/things-it-people-never-say-2786524

The lawyer says to the CEO: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”

The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million …”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you having sex with your secretary.”

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”

“Never heard of him,” said the visitor. “What did he write?”

“A check,” replied the guide.

A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours’ male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.  However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice. After having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“It just worked for me,” he replied.

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him R10 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to R7,50.

“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes R5.

“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor. “First you give me R10 every day, then R7,50 and now only R5. What’s the problem?”

“Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to university. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”

“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.

“Four,” the man replies.

“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”