Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.

He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy , I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest wid ya Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat During Mass and figured he would leave it in da back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, ‘ I remembered where I left me hat.”

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

“Sir,” replied the doctor, “you’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”

“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHQWlFtSptU

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, ” Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.”

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn’t, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around John showed up at Bill’s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. “Did John come by the house this afternoon?”

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.”

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

“Now you stay. Do you hear me?”

“Stay … Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said …

… this is going to hurt – read on …

“Why don’t you just put it in ‘Park’?”

A hippie gets on a bus and sees a very hot nun sitting near the back. He sits near her, and decides to take a shot, “Hey, you’re pretty hot. Wanna have sex with me?”

The nun screams and runs off the bus at the next stop, obviously very freaked out. The hippie, feeling defeated, decides to get off the bus as well. The bus driver stops him and says “Hey, I saw you trying to get with that nun. She goes to this cemetery every Wednesday night and prays in front of this gravestone. Maybe if you dress up like God or something you can get her to do what you want.” The hippie thinks this is a great idea, and gets together a God costume.

Wednesday comes around, and the hippie is hiding in the cemetery bushes. He slips on his God mask and jumps out the nun. “Ahhhh I’m God! I will let you into heaven if you have sex with me!” The nun says “Hmmm … Ok. But it has to be in the butt to preserve my virginity.”

So, they start going at it, and the hippie decides to give the nun a little surprise. So he pulls off his mask and yells “Surprise! I’m the hippie from the bus!”

The nun pulls off her mask and yells “Surprise! I’m the bus driver!”

http://devour.com/video/the-gunfighter/