Chester lives next to a lake. Earl, Chester’s brother-in-law, is visiting from up-state, for some duck shooting. Early the next morning Chester says “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out on the lake. If there aren’t many ducks, we won’t hunt today. It’s not worth it. We’ll wait a day.

So Chester calls his dog, mutters some commands and sends the dog out to the lake. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says “Well, I’m not going out. He only saw two ducks”.

Earl says “You’re going to take the dog’s barks for the truth?” Earl doesn’t believe it so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says “Impossible. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?”

Chester says “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, ask him”. So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one Chester has.

The breeder says that, yes, he has a fully trained duck dog for $2,500. Earl pays the price without question, brings the dog home, immediately drives out into the country, as close to his favourite blind. He orders the new dog to go search for ducks and report back.

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl’s leg. Outraged, Earl returns home, phones the breeder and says “This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!”

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg.

The breeder says ” Earl, don’t you understand? Dogs can’t talk. He was trying to tell you there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at”

A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”

A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So… You finish?”

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, “You finish?”

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, “No.”

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted Italian falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, “You finish?”

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, “No, I Norwegian!”

A man wakes up one morning, in Alaska, to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers’. He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

‘What are you going to do?’ the home owner asks.

‘I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.’

He hands the shotgun to the home owner.
‘What’s the shotgun for?’ asks the home owner.

‘If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!’

John stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, ‘What the hell is taking so long?’

‘My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,’ John explained. ‘I want to make a perfect shot.’

His companion rolled his eyes and said, ‘You don’t have a chance in hell of hitting her from here’.