Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.

“Give me the box of matches,” says one.

“Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.”

He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a little green Martian appears waving all six of his arms and yelling…”No, no, don’t!”

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars?

Still, he takes another match… and… A crowd of hysterical green Martians is coming to them, all waving their arms: “No, no, don’t do that!”

One of the astronauts says, “This looks serious. What are they afraid of?

Nonetheless we’re here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars.”

So he strikes a match… which flames up, burns down, and NOTHING HAPPENS!!

So he turns to the Martians and asks, “Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?

The leader of the Martians says, “It’s Shabbos’

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, ‘Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.’

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, ‘Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.’

Sister Mary Katherine said, ‘Hard bed.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ the Priest said, ‘we will get you a better bed.’

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. ‘You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.’

‘Cold food,’ said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. ‘You may say two words today.’

‘I quit,’ said Sister Mary Katherine.

‘It’s probably best,’ said the Priest, ‘You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.’