I remember those last few years of high school. I remember driving my mom a bit mad sometimes. When you are a teenager you know everything. And now, I know that I know very little. The arrival of the Bun has highlighted this for me.
If you had told me a month ago that this little creature is going to fill me with love I would have heard you, but not understood. It is like a switch has been turned on, and can never be turned off again. I believe this is mother nature at play. It is a sensation so primal that it has nothing to do with intelligence and all to do with biology. These are God given powers that awakened when the Bun entered the picture.
I look at the Bun and I see this innocent and vulnerable little being that just needs love and care. And this is what I suddenly seem to have in abundance. I have amazed myself in the past month.
It has been an intense time, and all the usual experiences I have been told about are there. Little sleep, nappy changes in the small hours, crying when he wants to eat, and when he needs his bum cleaned, etc. I have had many nights recently thinking about this innocent little man. As a storyteller I wonder about this innocence. When does he lose it? I hope never.
If you put a bunch of kids on a patch of lawn and give them a soccer ball they can play all day. And it doesn’t matter what culture or colour the kids are. Kids are innocent. When then do they get told “You can’t play with those other kids.” Who tells them this? I don’t want the Bun anywhere near those kinds of people. I don’t want people telling the Bun who he can and can’t play with. I want the Bun to embrace all people, and let kindness be the thing he cares about most. To be kind, and to find others that are kind too. Kind people are good people.
Yes, the late nights of little sleep have given me a lot of time to think, and wonder. I think about how lucky we are. And I thank God every day for what we have. Food in the fridge, a warm bed, clean clothes, a comfortable home. This Bun is blessed. He certainly won the ovarian lottery.
I think about something I heard many years ago. Some dialogue from a film where a man and a woman are talking. He is showing her a picture of his two kids from a photo in his wallet. And she says to him, “Are your kids special?” He answers her with passion, “They are very very special.” She looks at him and goes, “Everyone’s kids are special. So how come with all these special kids in the world we have so many ordinary adults.”
My mind is still ticking over. I now start thinking of the extraordinary situation the world is in this year with the corona virus pandemic, and the fact that we are with the Bun all day and night. There is hardly any social activity at present and going out to the shops or a restaurant is not happening. We buy what we need online more and more, and the Bun is under our wing just about every minute of the day. It is intense, for sure, but it is also magical and surreal.
I have lived a very unusual life, and I have done so much. I have won and I have lost. And I never stop trying. This year has been particularly hard, I reckon for most people. And then came the Bun and even with minimal sleep, and maximum tiredness, things feel much better. The Bun represents hope. The chance to nurture a kind soul. I think about kindness all the time – it is what the world needs a lot more of. I hope and pray the Bun will be as kind as can be.
When you are young you lack confidence and you are way more insecure. I am at a point in my life where I don’t worry about anything as much as I did 30 years ago. And also, I know there is nothing out there that I missing out on. I have had a very full life and have had a lot of joy and a lot of pain. This gives me perspective, and when I look at the Bun I know that there is nothing more magical that is what is right in front of me. Talk about wonder.
You can read about being a parent, and you can listen to other parents, and your own mom and dad, but there is nothing that truly prepares you. In the past month my life is totally different. Things went from theory to practice in a flash. It is like going from zero to a hundred in the blink of an eye. It is surreal. And the time goes by so fast. One month with the Bun was a blur.
I never thought I would be so excited to see runny kaka. When the Bun cuts one, I light up. But I have a view that one only feels this way about their own baby. Like when you own a car. If you have to clean it, that can be relaxing. But no one wants to clean their friend’s car. And if you scratch your car, it can drive you mad, but no one else notices the scratch, or cares. Yes, the Bun is a very personal experience, and it is biological and natural. This is how it is meant to be. This is how we all got here.
You don’t always have to win. But you always have to be kind. That is my closing message here. I want the Bun to be as kind as possible. Kind is beautiful.