Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. – P.J. O’Rourke
Topless bar
I need to talk to you
With all these communications devices and with all the amazing technology we have today we still don’t know how to communicate. Actually, we are becoming worse listeners by the day. It is not easy to listen to people. It requires real time. Really listening means giving someone your full attention. And how does one pay attention with the cell phone constantly ringing, SMS’s flying in every direction, email downloading by the truckload, and more.
But this is actually a whole separate discussion. Now I want to talk about something more curious. Every other month I bump into someone I know, either in a restaurant, or on the street, or in a shopping mall, and just about every time the conversation goes like this “I have been wanting to talk to you about something important. A big opportunity.” Now this is confusing. If they wanted to talk to me why didn’t they call me? Did they plan on bumping into me like that?
If something is important to you, and if you thought I could add value to your idea, then surely you would pick up the phone. Surely you would make contact. How can you take someone seriously when you run into in the toilet for a leak, and someone there tries to talk to you, especially when you are in a hurry? And then they look at you like there is something wrong. Just about every other week at our offices someone walks past me in the corridor and just starts going on about something. How do they expect me to listen when I am in a hurry? How do they expect me to take them seriously when they go on how urgent and important it is? Seriously, if someone really wanted to speak to you they would make an effort.
My film making work also attracts a lot of callers. At least once a week someone mails me or phones me (I am easy to find – I am in the book) and wants to talk about their movie project. Now, I understand how excited they are, how passionate they are, but that does not mean much. Many people are passionate and excited. What I want to know is how they are under pressure. I want to know how much substance they have. Strength of character is more important to me than the strength of a screenplay. And they pretty much always say the same thing “Can I come see you tomorrow?” When I ask them what about they go on and on and on. It is actually quite disempowering. I then ask them to email me a short one or two paragraph description that I can read and think about. If something capture’s my imagination then I probably will look into further. But, how can I take a guy seriously that starts swearing and ranting when I ask him to send me a summary to read. The other day someone went off at me, “What’s your problem? Are you too important to see me?” They call me looking for my input or help and they go off at me like that.
Yes, we have not mastered the art of communications and yet we keep inventing new ways to communicate. This is the paradox of progress at play. You have to laugh!
The writing is on the wall …
A team of archaeologists were excavating certain ruins in Israel, when they came upon a cave.
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the hieroglyphics were believed to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed and brought to a museum. Archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held countless meetings and after months of study they held a conference to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: “The first symbol looks like a woman. We can therefore judge that this civilization was family oriented and held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol, resembling a donkey, means they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they crafted tools to help them with their daily chores.
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which symbolises that when famine hit the earth, whereby food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”
The rest of the audience applauded enthusiastically, entirely in agreement with the President.
Until the Rabbi, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and shouted:
“Schmucks!”
“Hebrew is read from right to left – not left to right.”
“What it says is : Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick!“
Be yourself
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. – Dr. Seuss
Licence to …
Logical and legal
A young law student, having failed his law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”
Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”
Student: “OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can’t give me the correct answer, however, you’ll have to give me an “A”.
Professor: “Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?”
Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? ”
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student’s failing mark into an “A” as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
To the professor’s surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
“All right” says the professor, and asks his favourite student to answer.
“It’s quite easy, sir” says the student. “You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife’s lover failed his exam but you’ve just given him an “A”, which is neither legal nor logical !!!”
Groucho the great
Vot would you say ?
Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.
Weeks later, in court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.
Shmuel responded, “Vell, I’ll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the …”
“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted.
“Just answer the question.” Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”
Shmuel said, “Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road …”
“The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele.”
Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans. Den a highway patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, “How you feeling?”
“Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?”
Character
Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it. – Lou Holtz
