http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/18e820ec3f/between-two-ferns-with-zach-galifianakis-president-barack-obama

An old Jewish couple has a 35 year old son, Moshe who is single and doing nothing about it. They are worried so they call up a respected matchmaker and pay her a fortune to find a match for their son. She interviews them for a couple of hours to find out what they want in a daughter-in-law. A week later, she calls them, and the son is on the phone call too.

Mr. and Mrs. Solomon, I have excellent news. I have found the perfect match for your Moshe! Listen to this! She is 25 years old.
She comes from a kosher home.
She is a fantastic cook.
She cleans.
She knows all the prayers by heart.
She wants a large family.
Her parents have a great reputation and are well off.
And on top of all this, she is drop-dead gorgeous!!!

Mr. and Mrs. Solomon are crazy with delight, and falling all over her with thanks.
But the son asks an inappropriate question.
Moshe says, “Yenta, is she… is she…. is she fun in bed… you know, when the lights go out?”
The parents shout, “Moshe, what kind of question is that?! The nerve!! We apologize for him, Yenta!”
Yenta says, “It’s okay Mr. and Mrs. Solomon. He has the right to ask.”
She takes a deep breath. “Let me be completely honest with you …”
Mr. and Mrs. Solomon and the son go totally silent.
“Some say yes … some say no.”

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET — IT REALLY WORKS !!!

1. You walk pasta da bakery.

2. You walka pasta da candy store.

3. You walka pasta da ice cream shop.

4. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND …

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION …

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A woman asks: If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut.
But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?

A man replies: It’s very simple. Confucius say ‘When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it’s a bad lock. But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!’.

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up …

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better.”

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc ?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”

“One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.”

“He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.”

“Now, what do you think of that ?”, asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”