A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you 20 dollars for that cat.”

And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”

The owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is sitting between them.

The first Texan says “My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger.”

The second Texan says “My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John’s.”

They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says “My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres.”

Roger looks down at him and says “300 Acres? What do you raise?”

“Nothing” says Irving.

“Well then, what do you call it?” asked John.

“Downtown Dallas”.

A little Yiddisher Bobba gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she doesn’t have correct change for the fare.

The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, “If you knew what I had, you’d be nicer to me.”

He caves in and lets her ride for free.

She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but people won’t move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, “If you knew what I had, you’d be nicer to me.”

The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle.

She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat.

Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, “If you knew what I had, you’d be nicer to me.”

Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort.

A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, “I know this is none of my business, but what is it that you’ve got, anyway?”

The little Yiddisher Bobba smiled and said, “Chutzpah.”

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/18e820ec3f/between-two-ferns-with-zach-galifianakis-president-barack-obama