https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHQWlFtSptU

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, ” Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.”

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn’t, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around John showed up at Bill’s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. “Did John come by the house this afternoon?”

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.”

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

“Now you stay. Do you hear me?”

“Stay … Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said …

… this is going to hurt – read on …

“Why don’t you just put it in ‘Park’?”

A hippie gets on a bus and sees a very hot nun sitting near the back. He sits near her, and decides to take a shot, “Hey, you’re pretty hot. Wanna have sex with me?”

The nun screams and runs off the bus at the next stop, obviously very freaked out. The hippie, feeling defeated, decides to get off the bus as well. The bus driver stops him and says “Hey, I saw you trying to get with that nun. She goes to this cemetery every Wednesday night and prays in front of this gravestone. Maybe if you dress up like God or something you can get her to do what you want.” The hippie thinks this is a great idea, and gets together a God costume.

Wednesday comes around, and the hippie is hiding in the cemetery bushes. He slips on his God mask and jumps out the nun. “Ahhhh I’m God! I will let you into heaven if you have sex with me!” The nun says “Hmmm … Ok. But it has to be in the butt to preserve my virginity.”

So, they start going at it, and the hippie decides to give the nun a little surprise. So he pulls off his mask and yells “Surprise! I’m the hippie from the bus!”

The nun pulls off her mask and yells “Surprise! I’m the bus driver!”

http://devour.com/video/the-gunfighter/

A school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools in Soweto. He is introduced to the class by the teacher, Miss Wesizwe.

She says to the class: “Let’s show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question.”

The inspector decides to ask a biblical question. He asks: “Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?” For a full minute there is absolute silence, the children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually Sipho raises his hand, the Inspector points excitedly to him Sipho stands up and says: “Sir, I don’t know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but it wasn’t me” The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation, she says: Well, I’ve known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if he says that he didn’t do it, then he didn’t do it.”

The inspector is shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to the principal’s office and tells him what happened.

The principal replies: “Look I don’t know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with his teacher and I believe her, if she feels that the boy was not involved, then he must be innocent.”

The inspector can’t believe what he is hearing, he grabs the phone on the principal’s desk and dials the Minister of Education and relates the entire episode and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the school.

The Minister sighs heavily and replies: “Eish wena, you know I’m very busy, I don’t know the boy, the teacher or the principal, just get three quotes, add 50% for me, and have the wall fixed by my brother.”

A young Chinese couple get married.

She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

“My darring,” he whispers, “I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?” he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, “I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls… Nummaa 69.”

More thoughtful silence but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her… “You want… Garlic chicken with corrifrowa?”

A Scotsman and his girlfriend walked past a swanky new restaurant.

“Did you smell that food?” she asked. “Incredible!”

Being a “kind-hearted Scotsman”, he thought, “What the heck … I’ll treat her!”

So, they walked past it again …