http://www.break.com/video/things-it-people-never-say-2786524

The lawyer says to the CEO: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”

The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million …”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you having sex with your secretary.”

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”

“Never heard of him,” said the visitor. “What did he write?”

“A check,” replied the guide.

A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours’ male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.  However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice. After having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“It just worked for me,” he replied.

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him R10 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to R7,50.

“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes R5.

“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor. “First you give me R10 every day, then R7,50 and now only R5. What’s the problem?”

“Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to university. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”

“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.

“Four,” the man replies.

“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.

He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy , I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest wid ya Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat During Mass and figured he would leave it in da back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, ‘ I remembered where I left me hat.”

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

“Sir,” replied the doctor, “you’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”

“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”