I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example. One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…”You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear; let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”

I then said “Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently, I’m not having sex tonight either.

A Canadian, an American and a China man are stranded on a deserted island. The Canadian tells the others that he will be in charge of food. The American will be in charge of water and the Chinese man get the task to be in charge of supplies. They split up to do their jobs and decide to meet up later. When the Canadian and the American return, there is no sign of the Chinese man. Days pass by, but they still can’t find their friend. One day as they are walking along a path, the Chinese man jumps from the bushes and yells “SUPPLIES!”

http://www.tickld.com/x/30-actual-sentences-found-in-patients-hospitalcharts

A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.

“Your trouble is probably in the carburettor,” said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.

“Yes, yes,” the man replied.

“Oh! I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

“I was in that new restaurant across the street,” said one. “It’s so clean!
The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white.
There is no dirt anywhere – it’s so sanitary that the whole place shines.”

“Please,” said the other roach frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”

Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

“Yes”, he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, “Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don’t want her to share me with anyone, so THAT’S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others … MOSTLY his wife!

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.