A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

“My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?”

Husband answers: “Because he’s thinking of getting married.”

A vagabond, tired and hungry, was trudging along a country road in England when he came upon a roadside inn called “George and the Dragon.”

He knocked on the door.
The innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out of a window.
“Could ye spare some food please?” he asked.
The woman looked at his wretched condition and said, “No!” – rather sternly.
“Might I have a pint of ale then, please?”
“No!” she snapped again.
“Might I just sleep in your stable please?”
“No!” She was fairly shouting.
He tried again: “Might I please…?”
“What now?” the woman screamed.
“Might I have a word with George?”

A suggestion from a human resources manager – how to properly place new employees:

1.  Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2.  Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3.  Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4.  Analyse the situation.

1.  If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
2.  If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
3.  If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
4.  If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
5.  If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
6.  If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
7.  If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
8.  If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
9.  If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
10.  If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
11.  If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
12.  If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
13. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Parliament.

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, “I can cure this.”

That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, “This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish”.

The guy then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?”

The medicine man replies: “All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down.” But be warned — “it will not work again for another year!”

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.

He gets into bed, and lying next to her says,”123.”

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life … just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, “What did you say 123 for?”

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.

34 CSS Puns That Prove Designers Have A Great Sense Of Humor

Have you looked through her briefs?

He is one hard judge.

Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.

Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

Is it a penal offense?

Better leave the handcuffs on.

For $200 an hour, she better be good!

Can you get him to drop his suit?

The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

Think you can get me off?