An Alabama preacher said to his flock, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. “This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke: “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

A young man named Penis Van Lesbian walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. “You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor,” said the agent. “Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of?”

“No sir” said the handsome young man.

“I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours,” said the agent. “That’s not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I’d love to represent you, but you’ll have to change your name.”

“Sir,” the very handsome actor protested, “My family has carried this name for generations and I will NOT change it for Hollywood or for any other reason.”

“If you won’t change your name, then I cannot represent you, young man,” said the agent.

“Then I bid you a fond farewell — my name will NOT change. “With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agent’s office, never to return.

Five years later, the agent received a letter. When he opened it, a check fell out. He looked at the check. It was for $50,000! He read the letter:

Dear Sir:

Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and I left your office. I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and change my name. Now, I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions, worldwide. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me such fame and fortune.

Very Sincerely Yours,

Dick Van Dyke

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!

“The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney .

“Is this your husband?” The Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.”

“Misunderstanding???” asked the Lord.

“Yes, my Lord,” replied the seamstress, “You see, if I had said “no” to George Clooney , you would have come up with Brad Pitt .

Then if I said “no” to him, you would have come up with my husband.. Had I then said “yes,” you would have given me all three.

Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said “yes” to George Clooney.”

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. (That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.)

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age,  I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so.

Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses … they’re everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter … I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.

18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have I sent this message to you before … or did I get it from you?