One day in Heaven, a minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a colourful shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy: “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies: “I’m Mugabo Khumalo, taxi-driver, from Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver: “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out: “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Paul’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister: “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister, “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter, “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer.

As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie.”

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”

At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey, I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”

“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.

“Say what?” replied the man in disbelief.

“You heard me,” said the bartender. “It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”