The snip

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Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Redneck couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

“A less costly alternative,” said the doctor, “is to go home, get a cherry bomb,” “light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”

The Redneck said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

“1″

“2″

“3″

“4″

“5″

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, Louisiana, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, South Carolina, West Virginia, and parts of East Texas.

Planting seeds

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Warren Buffet : “No matter how great the talent or efforts, some things just take time. You can’t produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.”

“Someone’s sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago.”

Match making

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An old Jewish couple has a 35 year old son, Moshe who is single and doing nothing about it. They are worried so they call up a respected matchmaker and pay her a fortune to find a match for their son. She interviews them for a couple of hours to find out what they want in a daughter-in-law. A week later, she calls them, and the son is on the phone call too.

Mr. and Mrs. Solomon, I have excellent news. I have found the perfect match for your Moshe! Listen to this! She is 25 years old.
She comes from a kosher home.
She is a fantastic cook.
She cleans.
She knows all the prayers by heart.
She wants a large family.
Her parents have a great reputation and are well off.
And on top of all this, she is drop-dead gorgeous!!!

Mr. and Mrs. Solomon are crazy with delight, and falling all over her with thanks.
But the son asks an inappropriate question.
Moshe says, “Yenta, is she… is she…. is she fun in bed… you know, when the lights go out?”
The parents shout, “Moshe, what kind of question is that?! The nerve!! We apologize for him, Yenta!”
Yenta says, “It’s okay Mr. and Mrs. Solomon. He has the right to ask.”
She takes a deep breath. “Let me be completely honest with you …”
Mr. and Mrs. Solomon and the son go totally silent.
“Some say yes … some say no.”