A team of archaeologists were excavating certain ruins in Israel, when they came upon a cave.

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the hieroglyphics were believed to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed and brought to a museum. Archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held countless meetings and after months of study they held a conference to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: “The first symbol looks like a woman. We can therefore judge that this civilization was family oriented and held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol, resembling a donkey, means they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they crafted tools to help them with their daily chores.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which symbolises that when famine hit the earth, whereby food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”

The rest of the audience applauded enthusiastically, entirely in agreement with the President.

Until the Rabbi, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and shouted:

“Schmucks!”

“Hebrew is read from right to left – not left to right.”

“What it says is : Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick!“

A young law student, having failed his law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”

Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”

Student: “OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can’t give me the correct answer, however, you’ll have to give me an “A”.

Professor: “Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? ”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student’s failing mark into an “A” as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

To the professor’s surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

“All right” says the professor, and asks his favourite student to answer.

“It’s quite easy, sir” says the student. “You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife’s lover failed his exam but you’ve just given him an “A”, which is neither legal nor logical !!!”

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, “I don’t understand. What about the pickle slicer?”

Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and decided to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

“But we didn’t use them”, the man complains. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the manager says. “But we didn’t go to any of those shows”, complains the man again.

“Well, we have them, and you could have”, the manager replies. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the manager.

“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have!”