A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home.

It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just to great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope … along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take care, Ricky

Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. “Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man’s mistakes?”

“No Morris, a man should not profit from another man’s mistakes” answered the rabbi.

“Are you sure Rabbi?”

“Of course, I’m sure, in fact I’m positive” exclaimed the Rabbi.

“Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?”

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

“Oh my God!” screamed the woman. “That’s disgraceful! Why is he doing that?”

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, “I’m very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn’t do that at least five times a day, he’ll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.”

“Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s okay,” said the woman …

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, “Oh my God! How can that be justified?”

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: “Same illness, better medical aid.”

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words “complete” and “finished” in a way that’s so easy to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED but there is:

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE …

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED …

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are … COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!

My boss phoned me today. He said, “Is everything okay at the office?”

I said, “Yes, it’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day, I haven’t stopped.”

“Can you do me a favor?” he asked.

I said, “Of course, what is it?”

Speed it up a little, I’m in the foursome behind you.”

The Lions manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play rugby, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Gauteng. Two weeks later the Lions are 18-6 down to The Blue Bulls with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi winger the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 4 tries in 20 minutes and wins the game for the Lions. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Super 14 Rugby. “Hello mum, guess what?” he says “I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 18-6 down but I scored 4 tries and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me!” “Wonderful,” says his mum, “Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten; your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing rugby” The young lad is very upset. “What can I say mum, but I am so sorry.” “Sorry?! Sorry?!’ shrieks his mum, “It’s your fault we moved to Jo’Burg in the first Place.”