A group of women attended a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husbands?”

All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember. The women were then told to take their phones and send the following text:”I love you, sweetheart.”

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!!???
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn’t she??

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile.

“We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

One day in Heaven, a minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a colourful shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy: “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies: “I’m Mugabo Khumalo, taxi-driver, from Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver: “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out: “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Paul’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister: “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister, “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter, “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer.

As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie.”

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”

At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey, I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”

“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.

“Say what?” replied the man in disbelief.

“You heard me,” said the bartender. “It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”