Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of Varsity, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $1,250,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks’ vacation, all expenses paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Mustang?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’

Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’

Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd.  Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky

2. Spiro Agnew

3. Benito Mussolini

4. Adolf Hitler

5. Jorge Bergoglio

6. Alfonse Capone

7. Vladimir Putin

8. Linda Lovelace

9. Saddam Hussein

10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, didn’t you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope??

Lovely, just lovely … sometimes I worry about you.

This is an old Jewish fable …

The only cow in a small town in Ukraine stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 500 rubles.

Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.

They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”

The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”

The people were amazed and dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they got the cow from.

“You are truly a wise Rabbi,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?

The Rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Minsk.”

Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonely here and it’s difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’

And God said, ‘I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name and you will call him DOG.’

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and  preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved but perhaps too well.’

And God said, ‘I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.

The companion will remind them of their limitations so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And the Cat  . . .  didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass ?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?

Look at Congress — over 300 lawyers !!!