I recently called an old engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.

He replied that he was working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment.”

I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.

Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking.

Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?”

Edna: “No, no, no … I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

It’s better than ‘I walked into a door’ …

Bob, an undertaker, came home with a black eye.

“What happened to you?” asked his wife.

“I had a terrible day,” replied Bob “I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.

When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.

Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was the big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection,

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half.”

“I see,” said his wife, “that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?”

“WRONG ROOM.”

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note saying, “I’ve had enough and left you so don’t bother coming after me.”, and hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walking towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone, “She’s finally gone … yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to pick you up so put on the sexy French shit. I love you”.

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote;, “I can see your feet. Stop being ridiculous. We’re outta bread. Put the coffee on … back in 5”.