Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy , I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest wid ya Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat During Mass and figured he would leave it in da back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?”
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, ‘ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”
“Sir,” replied the doctor, “you’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”
“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”
An old Jewish trader was called before the emperor. The emperor told him he had been looking for something all over and no one could find it for him. He had finally asked the Jew in desperation. “Sure”, said the Jew, with a vision of a huge profit flashing before him. “I can get anything”.
“Price is no object”, said the emperor. The Jew’s eyes opened wide.
“Just tell me what and it will be yours.” he said.
“I want a poodle”, said the emperor.
The Jew scratched his head. “A poodle?” he said. “A very difficult problem, your majesty, but I can do it.”
“Are you sure?” asked the emperor.
“Sure I’m sure”, replied the Jew. “But it will be very very expensive.”
“I told you money was no object” replied the emperor. “Just as long as I can get one.”
“Do you want a big one or a small one? asked the Jew.
“A big one” the emperor replied.
“Even more difficult, your majesty” said the Jew. “It is much harder to find, but I can do it. ” he scratched his head again. “What colour do you want?” he asked.
“A black one” said the emperor.
“That is the most expensive of all” said the Jew, “but I can do it.”
“Money is no object. Just get it.” said the emperor.
“You will need to be patient” said the Jew. “Just leave it to me.”
He went backwards to the huge doors of the audience chamber, bowing as he went. “Just leave it to me and it will be yours.” he repeated.
As he went out of the door, he turned to the footman standing there, “Tell me,” he said. “What’s a poodle?”
A company CEO tells his secretary: “Next week we’re going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements.
The secretary calls her husband: “Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time.”
The husband calls his lover: “My wife is going abroad for a week, let’s spend it together.”
The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children: “Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you’ll be studying at home.”
One of the kids went to his grandfather and said: “Grandpa, next week I don’t have school, you promised me that if I had time off we’d go to the mountains together.”
The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her: “My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we’re not going abroad.”
The secretary calls her husband: “The boss cancelled, we’ll be together, my love.”
The husband calls his lover: “We can’t spend the week together, my wife is staying.”
The lover tells the kids: “My problem was solved, school is back on.”
The kid goes to the grandfather: “Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won’t be able to go.”
The CEO calls his secretary: “My grandson won’t be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad.”